Ever have that feeling like maybe everything is not as it appears? I am having that moment right now.
It was a stressful late summer/early fall. My dog was dying. I was closing on the sale of my parent’s home which meant giving up my share of the family compound which has been in the family since the 1940s and my daughter and I were both having health scares.
Well…the dog died the same day that I closed on the sale of property. It was somehow fitting because he had adopted us on that property. He had wandered down the driveway and refused to be run-off and he became the greatest companion ever. Wow! What a dog!
I had been losing sleep over the sale of the property but once everything was done, I was able to turn the page. It wasn’t easy – my parent’s cremains are on that property and in an area that will most likely be developed. I can’t even think about that!
My daughter and I both got good reports from our doctors though mine was not 100% certain. I had a biopsy of my thyroid because I had developed a goiter. The doctor said, “The cells we tested were not cancerous but we also didn’t exactly get a statistically significant sample so you probably are fine but I can’t say that with complete certainty.” We agreed to do a follow up in 6 months. I honestly felt completely okay with that plan.
I have lived long enough to know that life seems to work in waves though. Often, things happen/wrap up so that you can prepare for the next thing coming down the line. Before I got the test results back, I had told people I felt like the other things were being nicely tied up to prepare me to deal with me getting bad results from the tests. When the tests came back okay, I thought, “well…I guess life was tidying up so I could have awesome things come into my life.” I started making lists for the future so I could focus my energy on good stuff for a change and good things DID happen. The biggest being that my family all got tickets to all days at SDCC which is a BIG deal for us. I quickly thanked my dog (who I’ve named as my guardian angel) and my dad because I somehow felt he might be involved. (He died in 2012 and we were VERY close.)
But lately…I’ve started to wonder if I’m missing something. I have never felt or looked for signs from my parents and in fact, purposely DIDN’T look for them because I believe when we die, our spirits just keep moving on into the Universe and I don’t want to tether my parents here to me. I want them to go and explore and not be tied to this earthly world. Lately, however, my dad’s name keeps popping up everywhere. Literally, every time I type the letter “t” on my phone, it auto-fills with TJ which was my dad’s name. His name has started showing up around the house too in printed form.
The other night, I was watching an interview Reese Witherspoon was doing with Kasey Musgraves. I am not a country music fan so did not know who Kasey was but was immediately interested in her because she drives the same kind of car I do and they aren’t new cars. I looked Kasey up on Spotify and was attracted to the song, “Oh What a World”. The lyrics are eerily familiar. My dad LOVED being alive and he really didn’t want to die and leave us – especially me and my daughter. So I started wondering, if dad is visiting and telling me he is having trouble letting go OR if he is coming for me and I’m going to be the one having trouble letting go. There’s also a nagging concern that perhaps his cremains have been disturbed and he is letting me know. I prefer to not think that is happening but the thought keeps passing by.
I know I am probably reading something into everything but I just find myself in a really tender spot and couldn’t think about what to do with these feelings except post them here. This may be a temporary post but it may be something I build on later too – hopefully with all good news.